B - E - D - T - I - M - E

I tend to find myself giggling at night when I come out of E's room after putting him to bed. He, in a desperate attempt to stall bedtime, will come up with the strangest things to talk -- or ask -- about. It is in the last minutes of the evening he decides he just HAS to know the scientific reason why crickets sound the way they do, or why the grass is green and not purple, or why tractors don't make the same noise as motorcycles (and vice versa). Tonight, he asked why his baby cousin is a girl and not a boy. Apparently he really wants her to be a boy, though I'm not quite sure why, and I'm sure his stand on the issue will change by morning. Just as I was leaving, he said when he was as old as his Uncle B (who's just turning 19 next week), he'd be able to have a baby and it would be a boy, like his baby cousin probably could have been. And, as a responsible Mom, I rambled "marriage before babies honey, marriage before babies" before smiling and saying my goodnights and love-yous. I think I know where his bizarre behavior comes from (...his father of course! lol...)

S - A - D

The past few days have been teeming with sadness. I miss our baby. We should be cradling him or her in our arms right now. I should be breastfeeding, waking again and again in the night to feed and change diapers. Our house should be littered with baby paraphernalia, changing as quickly as you grow... one month, two months... But instead, our arms are empty and aching and the only thing I have to hold is anger, sadness and emptiness.

I'm sorry Baby. I'm so sorry. Momma should never have let the doctor do that exam. Momma never should have made that appointment. You'd be here in my arms, suckling nourishment from my breast and then drifting to sleep in your Daddy's embrace.

Momma misses you and thinks about you all the time. I'll see you someday Baby. I love you. I love you so much.

If you've ever played Boggle, you know how it goes: Shake it up real good, and let the dice fall where they may. And then, try to make sense of it all. Some shake-ups turn out better than others, some are beyond us. My life seems the same -- shaken up, tossed around, and left to make sense of it all.